Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Like a grey marl ninja...

I imagine to the tune of "Like a rhinestone cowboy" wrapping up the baby in a long, grey, stretchy sling, like a grey marl ninja, creeping round the house waiting for the monster to awake. My skills aren't in lyrics. Or singing. So we'll leave that there.

We got a sling wrap in our baby box (Government issue - cheers wee Nicola!), I had been thinking about getting one anyway, but it seemed to be an item that divided mum's - an often bought and seemingly aspired to use, but either we used it ALL the time and loved it, or we never used it at all, I wish Id never wasted my money on it. And being a super fashionable earth mama thing to do (as if it's this new fangled trend, and hasn't been done for probably thousands of years) you can get really, really expensive ones. And it's amazing how "baby safety" can try and lure you into buying more and more expensive things. So I didn't, but thankfully we got one in the box so I was keen to give it a go. In among the 27 sets of instructions telling us not to put the lid on the box while the baby was inside it...there was a sheet about how to tie it. Thankfully I'd been revising on youtube (same place I learned a wee practice swaddle. Lucky Neville the bear, unloved by his carer [me] as a child, finally feeling loved and secure, was quickly ditched when the real life baby came along. I always wonder if I didn't love him because he was called Neville. No offence other Nevilles...).

So I'd had a wee practice getting it on, but without an actual baby, and with a big belly in the way, it's a bit hard to imagine how it'll be, or work out whether you've done it right. We got straight to it when she got home, and it was great. She loved being cooried in, she fell asleep pretty quickly in there, and eve if she wasn't asleep she settled and stopped crying.

If you've never seen one on, you effectively tie the sling in a criss-cross across your body, and it makes a cross on your back, has a couple of loops around your middle and ties at the front back or side. So, minus baby, it looks a bit like a samurai/ninja outfit, with plenty handy loops to hide all your ninja things, samurai sword, jaggy stars, all those kinds of things. And as you sneak around the house ready to bundle your screeching bundle of joy into it to shoosh them should they wake up you do feel a bit like a ninja. This is obviously all in my head. The folks on the youtube videos (mostly ladies) look, when the baby isn't in the wrap, like they're wearing some nice wraparound top in funky material,, floaty but with a little structure, oh you could totally go out in that and look quite fine actually, like I'm just playing with my baby just now, but in an emergence I'll wheech her in here, you won't know what's going on, and we'll be off, safe, secure and happy. In my reality the criss cross settles between the over-large boobies, with a nice tight band below just to underline the emphasis. You know those tops you're meant to avoid if you're large chested, the ones with the designated, demarcated boobie spaces, that your "I won't be pigeon holed" chest ignores with gay abandon, so you end up instead with a nip in the cross hairs? It's like one of those. But worse.

So I might need to practice my tying technique or remember to readjust when I take her out. Like remembering to pull your top back down/up after feeding, a not so subtle treat for any visitors.

Sir Patrick Moore had the right idea

I suppose you don't get to be a Sir having the wrong idea, I was going to write, but that's probably entirely untrue, and having read Sir Patrick Moore's Wikipedia page (who says that's not a proper scientific reference...?) I'm pretty sure he might have had the wrong idea about a few things.

But, but,, on a cold, stormy morning I pull the full brief up, up, up to my actual waist, and follow them up with the no longer necessary, and now decidedly baggy, maternity leggings, leaving merely an inch between bra and breeks, I think people may have mocked, I might even have been one of the mockers, it is the main thing I remember about Sir Patrick Moore (I even forgot he had a monocle for goodness sake) but the up-to-the-oxter-breeks - they were a good move. I can imagine he lapped up the mocking, basking in the joy of a comfortable cosy belly, resplendent in acres of material, and a foot long fly zip (probably - I've not looked that far into the situation).

I did not realise the treat I was in for in my first foray into the world of maternity jeans and leggings, and now as I have to concede they are a bit big, and ridiculous looking without the belly, I am sadly packing them away. There is a lot to be said for the maternity jean - knowing you'll never be flashing your pants, and the comfort of a cosy jersey belly hug all day.

I might have to start wearing vests. Would tucked into pants be too far? Take away from my sultry domestic Goddess seductiveness much...?